So I decided to post my story. I feel awful saying this to people. Don't ask why or how it because I can't answer that.
So I've grown up in a wealthy family which means everything should be great, but I disagree. When I was young I'd always try to help people and help my family. It never really went well. Somehow I screwed things up and I'd get yelled at and became the scapegoat for my family. It caused me to feel like such a screw up all my life and that I wasn't good enough. Every night, I'd pull all my covers over my head and cry myself to sleep. It really didn't matter how hot it was in my room under the covers. I wouldn't remove them even if I was sweating. In elementary school, I always thought I had lots of friends, but I really didn't. The kids were mean to me at school and would ditch me or not include me in their games. So I spent a lot of my time on the swings. And at my house, my parents didn't have time for me so I'd always play by myself. I was basically a loner. I'd get picked on if I was at birthday parties. The only time they acted like they liked me was at my house or if I took my stuff to their house cuz they liked me for the things that I had. I traveled a lot as a young child and I still do. On one trip to a canyon, a ledge I was on broke and I grabbed the edge before I fell to my dad. I screamed and cried to my dad to pull me up, but he just laughed at me. My mother eventually pulled me up. So at a young age, I lost trust in all people. I've never recovered my ability to trust and it has become a huge problem. I moved to a different town for middle school. I was glad because it was a new start with hopefully better people. The people weren't really better and I got stuck hanging out with druggies who only talked about sex and porn. I got picked on cuz I hate drugs and porn. In 7th grade, I met my best friend. He's pretty much my brother. It was also in middle school that I became suicidal because I didn't trust people and I hated myself and I never feel good enough. I felt like a screw up and that no one wanted me around. At a church retreat, there was a flooding river. One night I decided I was going to drown myself in it. I was stopped by a friend. After that, I hung out at the church and developed new friends and became a happy person. Then last year, I started dating a girl. She was depressed. It took a toll on me and I began cutting again. Then she started liking some other guy and all this other crap happened that I don't want to get into. But that relationship ended badly. I cut last about two weeks ago. I don't feel as upset or have the urge to cut after attending a camping trip with my church.
My family all hates each other. On my mother's side, her biological mother got divorced and disappeared. Her step-mother abused her and her dad just let it happen. On my dad's side, his sister is an idiot and got their dad killed in a car accident. My grandfather was in the marines in WWII and my dad got all his war stuff. My dad's sister and brother want to sell it for money, but my dad won't let them. I try to keep it all in my room. My grandfather died before I was born so that stuff is all I know him by. Sometimes I would cry onto his helmet because it's comforting to me. My grandmother from my dad's side is the only family member I get along with, but she's old and her hearing and memory is really going...
I have a lot of painful memories. Along with the cliff thing, I've been stabbed in the hand, sliced my fingertip in half, had a palm branch stab all the way through my foot, and had my legs torn up by gravel among many other stories. I got stung on the eye by a bee yesterday actually. I grew up with cuts and scabs from things and some of it was from dumb stuff that I liked so I actually enjoy having cuts and scabs on my body. It kinda makes sense, but its messed up. It's part of the reason why I used to cut. But I also have a feeling that I shouldn't be alive considering the multiple times I've almost died.
Things I'm afraid of... pretty much only the dark. When I was little, my dad made me watch Aliens and watch him play some scary video game with monsters. Then he told me those aliens and monsters were in my basement, shut the lights off, and locked me down there. I'm scared of bees close to my face cuz I got stung on the forehead when I was little, and just yesterday on the eye.
Lately I've been pretty good at helping people that are going through tough times. Cuz I know how they all feel. I've saved several people from killing themselves.
So I guess that's everything about me. There's probably a lot more i could say, but I can't think of it now. Maybe I'll add it later.